In a stunning turn of events today, it appears that the renowned auteur has taken even more projects upon himself than any other has dared to muster in Hollywood. In addition to Portal, Half-Life, Mission: Impossible 5, Cloverfield 2 and Star Trek 3, we can now officially expect him to acquire other developing science fiction projects as well.

He has stolen the opportunity to direct Ninja Turtles, which will diminish the likelihood of too many explosions and models, and is sure to include a tremendous and groundbreaking score by Michael Giacchino, who has continued to partner with him on numerous occasions and has just begun to really work out his piano themes. The notorious duo equally stole the rights to direct and compose work on the new Godzilla.

At the exact same time, he will be directing a Super 8 sequel in which Jorge Garcia will be presenting himself as lovable as always. Sadly, Tracy Spiridakos, the protagonist and star of Revolution will not.

Lastly, Abrams has also agreed to sign on to reboots of Aliens, The Matrix, The Terminator, Frankenstein, Metropolis, A Clockwork Orange, and has issued agreements to produce film adaptations of Lost, Fringe, Alias, and Once Upon a Time. He has officially signed on for Star Trek 4-12, Star Wars Episode 8 – 12, and the next five Hobbit films. He says we can expect live adaptations of Centipede and Asteroids, and that all of these projects will be completed within the next two years.

He however absolutely claims that any connection whatsoever with the Armageddon sequel is entirely out of the question. Happy April 2nd! Hope you’ve had a great April Fools everyone.

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